My Brother In A Hospital Bed Made Me Think About Life.

It's Friday March 26, 2010.

School was let out at the regular 2:40, and like usual, home around 3:15.

It's the day that I planned going to Friendly's with my friend for his birthday before he leaves to celebrate his sixteenth birthday in Aruba.

It's also the day that my brother was scheduled to have this surgery that was planned for three years.

I just got back from seeing my brother, Steven. He was in surgery at 11:00 and was out around 2:00 and was taken care of in the recovery center until 5:30.

My parents were there since Steven was taken in for surgery, but Anthony, my other brother, arrived with me when he was being moved to his own room at 5:30.

It shouldn't have been painful for me, but I was on the verge of crying. He was screaming because of the pain. He was ripping the sheet of the hospital bed and was going out of control. It was not easy to see.

My brother's a firefighter. He's used to seeing blood, limited air, rushing, etc.. But he couldn't handle the pain this time.

His surgery was set because three-four years back, he broke his knee. A little bit over a year ago, he was hit by an 18-wheeler truck. His ligaments in his knee were torn along with other problems I'm not sure about. They chose to do it now because he's nineteen and he's done growing so they're able to repair his leg.

The doctor said that his knee was worse than expected, which meant that the surgery had to be more intense than it was planned to be.

I listened to my brother cry. I watched him search around for the plug to call the nurse. I watched him struggle to contain himself the hospital bed. I couldn't watch anymore.

Even know, when I'm home, it's making me sad because it's not fair of the way I've seen him struggle.

It just hit me that I have life pretty good. A fight with a friend is nothing compared to this. Failing a class isn't as important as being close to not having a usable leg. As I listened, watched and felt my brother in pain, it hit me that I'm not appreciating what I have.

I don't go home everyday and prey for the house I have, the food I consume or the luxuries I'm able to obtain, I just don't. That doesn't mean I'm not grateful. I'm grateful for everything that is around me.

It took until now, seeing my brother on a hospital bed screaming for help, to realize that I'm fortunate for what I have and am given. I love my brother, and I don't think I've ever said it to him, but I hope he knows it. I love my whole family, I hope they all know it too.

I don't ever want to see someone in pain again. Never.

I want to stop being so negative. I should talk more about the positives in life, because I'm fortunate to even have one. I want to stop saying that I can't do things. I should be happy that I have the opportunity to do things. I want to stop having this cold shoulder and attitude to my family. Because in the end, they're the ones who are going to be by your side.

My brother will be homebound for the next ten weeks. I hope he has a good recovery and he'll never have to do this again.

Farewell for now,

ashleycopolino

solitarily & shouldn't be.

I'm alone in my house roughly from three o'clock to eight thirty.

That's five and a half hours to myself.

It probably sound amazing to an outsider, but as the one being alone, it sucks.

My parents have their real estate office in Queens and the busiest time for them is the night.

My brother stays out with his friends for as long as possible, which could be eleven o'clock on a school night.

My other brother is dedicated to the fire department. He spends his whole day there spends the night with friends. He strolls in usually in the middle of the night.

I'm very independent at home. I cook for myself, I clean around the house, I take care of my dog, I do the laundry, I complete my homework that can take hours, and the list can continue.

My mom 'trianed' me to take on the 'job of a woman' when I was about seven. It sucks. I'm responsible for most the things in my house because I basically have control. I know where things are because most likely, I put them there.

You're probabaly wondering what my mom does.. most people do wonder. Well, my mom's not in the best condition. My mom has Diabetes. She has back and knee pain. In the past ten years, she has surgery on her hip, back, neck and knee. She was recently diagnosed for Carpal Tunnel, which has to do with her nerves that are squeezed at both her wrists. There's other conditions that I don't know the name of. So I help my mom as much as possible, because I have this fear that she won't be here one day. I'm not very close with my mom, but if I ever lost her, I don't know what I'd do.

Back to solitarily... I'm home alone a lot of my days. I don't mind it because I'm used to being alone. It actually is where I'm most comfortable. But I just want someone to come home so I don't have to be alone. But when someone's hoe with me, we don't interact. I just stay in my room.

I'm pretty sure I'll be solo for a while. It doesn't bother me at all. It's not a concern of mine to be accompanied either.

I like being alone, but I don't want to like being alone. It's good to have people in your life that you want there.

-ashleycoppolino

Anyways, here's my 365 for anyone who's been keeping up.

http://heyitsashleyy.tumblr.com/

or

http://www.flickr.com/photos/heyitsashleyy/

(they're the same, just two different websites)

It's been a while, but I'm here.

I'm not sure what state of mind I've been in lately.

I've been constantly thinking about my future.

I feel like it's in full blast.

This time next year I'll be searching for colleges. This time in two years I'll be ready to head out of Herricks. This time in three years I'll be an adult.

But I also thought about my past.

This time last year I was doing the bare minimal in school. This time two years ago I was feeling all macho since I was going into high school. This time three years ago I was into cursing and rap.

I've changed over time and I most definitely will continue to change.

It might sound strange, but I've thought a lot about my ending of life. I don't want to finish my life by thinking that 'I should have done this' or 'I should not have done that', I want to be able to look back and be satisfied with the choices I have made.

But I'm not satisfied with the choices I have made in the past, and I want that to change in the next couple of years.

Maybe it's all a self-confidence thing that I'm lacking.

Maybe it's my fear of not doing it right, so I don't do it at all.

I keep saying that I'm going to do things differently and that they're going to be better, but it never happens.

I've been confused lately. I don't know where I stand, if I even stand at all.

From always,

ashleycoppolino

here's my daily practice: www.heyitsashleyy.tumblr.com

My Daily Practice: 365

I don't usually finish what I start, but I want this to be different.

So, I've been watching 'The Buried Life' on MTV and it had me thinking about life. It had me thinking about how time flies by and you don't even know it. I've been trying to put together a list of things i want to do before I die, and this 365 is on it. I can't mess up and not take a photo one day, because that means that I've screwed up the 365. I want to complete this. I want to be able to cross this off my list.

I'm not sure what is intriguing about this. It's basically taking a photo of yourself a day. Actually, that's all it is. But it seems like so much more to me. It's like a summary of my day. I show my emotion in a photograph, and by the look on my face, you can tell a little about me.

And going back to my fascination on time, this project is perfect for me. I associate my day with my photograph, and it shows me what I was doing at the time. And i'll be able to look at these years in the future and see what I liked. I don't know, it's just something I like to do.

This 365 isn't a hassle for me, and I'd love to keep it up for longer than just 365 days.

today was day 028! check out my 365 from day 001 to now.

www.flickr.com/heyitsashleyy

-ashleycoppolino

Artist Statement

Artist Statement:

Photography has mainly been my art. I was never taught how to use a camera and capture focal points, but as I figured it all out, I have grown a passion for it. I do photography because I take that one moment of time and hold it. With a camera, you have the ability to capture a moment of your life from any angle. Not all photographs look right, but if you move the camera and look at the world, it’s not all right either.

When I take photos, I try to grasp every ounce of color. The contrast between light and dark or dull and bright, to me, makes the picture pop and look stronger. In photography, you’re only given so much space to fit your shot in. And in that space, every speck is seen. If I’m taking a picture of a landscape, for example, and there’s garbage on the floor in my shot, I will not keep the photo. Yes, it’s how I see the world, but no, it’s not how I want to remember my picture. The little details are important, but not my main importance. But like any other photographer, I just want my picture to come out good.

Color is my main focus in a photo, like I have slightly mentioned before. Even in black and white, when you have your pure blacks and your whitest whites, it makes the photo look great. With black and white you could do color splash, which means the whole photo is black and white except the one thing you decided to keep in color.

Even though photography is where my heart is in art, I’m open to any art. Any way to creatively express what I want to, what I need to, I’m open for it. I can’t really describe art, but it’s the things you can’t describe that are most important in your life.

ashleycoppolino

Core Values and Issues: are the same?

Issues:

color - in my photography, I look for brights, dulls, darks, lights and everything in between in all shades of color. In black & white photography, color splash has to be one of my favorites.

emotions - emotions occur in my photos, and writing. lowering the exposure or saturation of a photograph gives it a different emotion that the original. When I write, it's always toying with emotions.

opposites (i.e. dark vs. light)

time - a lot of my photography shows things that change over time. When something is in motion, and I take many, many pictures as it's changing but only use a couple and lay them out next to each other, even though the photographs aren't in between, you see hat changes over time. In my writing, I write a lot about the past going to the future and how things change, and it takes time, etc.

I think I confused myself with the core values and issues.. Is it possible for my core values and issues to be the same? Because isn't core values is what's important, and issues is what appears in your work, so wouldn't it be alright if they were the same?

It's nothing fantastic yet, but here's the beginning of my 365: http://www.flickr.com/photos/heyitsashleyy/

Help!

-ashleycoppolino

What Have I Done In The Semester?

I feel like my first day of tenth grade was last week. When actually, it was about five months ago. Time flies. Half way into the school year, Luke hit us with a question that really made me think, 'What have you done in the semester?'. Well, i couldn't really come up with anything extraordinary. I wanted to impress myself and say that I've accomplished something great, but i couldn't even do that. And this is where I plan to turn that all around.
I'm done with slacking, and believing my stupid choices now won't effect me in the future. I know I'm young and all, but the choices I made six years ago effect me now, and I can't imagine what it will be like this time around. So, i decided to set rules for myself. Rule #1: Don't break the rules.
I know I'll end up breaking them eventually, but I want to think positive, you know, have a little faith in myself.
I also thought of Luke's question not as what I've done, but as what can I do. I want to follow my New Years Resolution and start me make change in my life. I want to be able to look back and say, 'Wow, I did that.'
I know it's corny and all, but I don't really care. It's what I want and I'm going to really try for it.

once again,
ashleycoppolino