Stressed

I'm stressed. I seem to be on edge with everything I put my hands on. I take on way too much and I act like it's ok, but sometimes it's not.
Lately, my mind has been jumping out of control. I could be holding a conversation and be thinking about something else. I could be working on a project and be sorting out another one in my head. My concentration is totally off lately, so I apologize.
I don't even have the time to be writing this, because schoolwork has consumed my life.
I've been trying to deal with my conflicts as best as possible, but it seems as one problem begins to clear, another problem bursts. I know I take on too much, but being busy keeps me out of trouble, which is what I like an need.
I've looked back on my blogs and it looks like I've talked about stress before. Just like I said in the past: breathe.. In, out, in, out.

-ashleycoppolino

Senior Assignment: my take on it

I feel that it is necessary to blog about today.

This blog post is not meant to start conflict, but it is something I must post.

This assignment is my least favorite so far. It's obvious that I don't associate with my fellow seniors that much. Really, just Jon. Otherwise, I'm surrounded by STACies that are younger. I feel like I'm constantly put down and judged when I'm around the seniors, and that's not a feeling I need or want in my life. So I decided to exclude myself from it.

I have learned my limits, which I believe is something that STAC has taught me. I learned when I can't handle certain situations any longer, which is why I left the class today. I don't need to involve people in my personal drama, so I took it upon myself to quietly leave the class.

As some of you may know, I have major anxiety problems, which has worked against me in many ways. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking while listening to what people were saying, and I couldn't handle it. I know, you're not supposed to walk away when things get tough, but I know my limits, and if I stayed there, it would have gotten bad.

In my groups defense (Jon, Mile, Mairead), we had our plan for our presentation. This is longer-term assignment so we decided to take it further than improv, which seemed puzzling to the two other groups. We couldn't exactly explain our piece since we are incorporating music and film. We haven't written the script or chose the songs, so I can see how the other groups are confused by us. But don't shoot down our ideas and tell us that we wasted our time and that you realized things faster ergo we were falling behind. And as we were discussing today, somebody said, "I don't mean to offend you", which seemed like a fake act for the rest of STAC to me, because you knew I was offended already.

I am sincerely sorry to Jon, Mairead, & Mike because my reactions have negatively affected my group. I think what we did is brilliant and our ideas will turn put amazing. I will never put you down- it's very wrong. And I don't want to be put down. I don't want to be mocked in class. The senior girls sat on the computer looking at prom dresses as a serious problem was being addressed. So if you don't care, why should I. I am truly sorry to my group. But I don't think that I can handle this stress at this stage in my life.

And I don't want to get comments like, "this is life.", "this will happen in the future.", & "you have to get over it.". Because, truth is, I know what life is like. I'm living it. I've been in worse situations and experienced major conflicts in my life. My future will be stressful, as all of ours will be, but it will not be tolerated to be treated like this, I guarantee it. And I will get over it. Not today, not tomorrow, maybe not Monday either, but I will eventually.

When I came back into the room all red-faced and obvious that I shed some tears, it meant a lot to me that Danny, Scott, Mairead, Grace, Michelle, Caitlin, and others came right to me to hug me & tell me that they're there for me. That's the type of people I need in my life. They're the reason that I come to class everyday, aside from doing art. But they influence my art. They help shape me into the type of person I am and the abilities I have in STAC.

-ashleycoppolino

Oh, acting.

I think I've made it fairly obvious that I don't like acting. But I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and experimenting with new disciplines. I'm a senior now, so this seems to be the year to do everything before my time runs out.

This specific lesson was comfortable for me. I may have mentioned it before, but anger is my best emotion as far as acting goes, I believe. I'm not scared to yell at somebody if I have to. And yes, it's acting, we're not actually yelling or punching people, but God, does it feel real when you're told to punch Scott La Marca then your Grandma. Punching Scott is easy. It's too natural, actually. Sorry, Scott! But you know I'm joking (usually)! But when a random person, like your Grandma is called, and then imagined right in front of your very eyes, I got weak. I'm never weak. I don't like the feeling, which is probably why my anger is so strong.

It was a pretty bad day for me. My guidance councilor basically lost all hope in me which pretty much tore me apart for the day. Instead of handling it like a good human being would, I got angry. I took screaming at the community center out on her. I poked her, slapped her, punched her repeatedly, and didn't feel sorry. I don't know what this says about my actual character, but as far as acting goes, I think I'm getting better.

In conclusion, acting is annoying. It screws with your head. It makes me over analyze this intricate situation when meanwhile I'm standing on a worn-down stage with no one as an audience. Your mind is fooled by words that seep through your ears and into your mind, that carries on to your exterior self, creating an illusion that makes you put on quite the performance.

Oh, acting.

-ashleycoppolino

I hate acting with that hat.

i don't even know where to begin. i've been staring at this page aimlessly for over a half hour now.

that damn hat. it raised every hair on my body. all the power that i walked in the room with vanished the second my finger touched the hat. if it were really my brother's room and my brother's hat, i wouldn't have dared to touch it. The second I touched the hat it became real. I couldn't believe I took his hat

And then you realize you're acting. Then I became aware of my child-like posture and my increased heart-rate, which just make me sink inside.

I'm angry. This I know. But not everybody does. I spend most of my days, months, & years angry. I know why I am too. But I never thought I'd be posting this on a blog for the public to know. Ugh, I hate this feeling. I'm angry at myself, but mostly at my grandparents. They left me and I blame them for it everyday. It wasn't like they decided to leave me, they just passed away. Well, my Nana had the option of surgery or death, and well, she didn't choose the surgery. I blame her for not choosing to fight to be here. It kills me everyday. It's been on my mind since the day she died. And my other grandparents.. My Pop-Pop passed away with me on his lap, which has scared my whole life. God, the last words he ever said were, "I love you, my Angel", which tore me apart. His heart stopped beating. I never met my mom's mom but all my cousins say that I'd love her & she was the greatest grandma. And Mom's dad got to see all his grandchildren except me. He lost his sight right before I was born, & since I'm the last grandchild of the family, I'm the only one that he's never seen. Sometimes I think he saw me. It makes me feel better. Why am I crying. But yeah, that's the truth. This just makes me angry. It shouldn't, but what can I do, it's life.

I hate that damn hat.

I can't type anymore.

-ashleycoppolino

Oh, just readin' blogs, pickin' lines I like.

Well that was off topic, but I liked it. -Jessica

a blank wall in need of lovin'.

The blank wall was blank for too long.
I wanted to re-do the murial, mostly because I wanted to be on the wall and be recgonized.
We didn't do the murial, obviously, but I did make it on the wall and I am recgonizable.
Starting off with out names and branching out to what we love give a visual perspective of what we keep in our brains. In our minds, we know what we love, and why we love it, but without conciously thinknig about it, you wouldn't think about what you love and why you love it continuiously to form this web.
That's why I found this assignment intriguing. Turns out that I love music because it's memorable. But I actually love music because of the voice, and i love voice because it's honesty, and i love honesty because it's expression and then a couple of branches later, i end up at memorable.
In a weird way, it makes me think about if my brain was a museum and I was taking a tour. I don't know, it was just one of those activities.

-ashleycoppolino

STAC 2011-12

Hi!

I can't believe that I am blogging for my lsat year of STAC. It's absolutely unreal. Where has the time gone? Ugh, time.. Time is so misleading. Time convinces you that it's unlimited, yet we're a ticking bomb every day - time for class, time to eat, time to breathe, time to repeat. I know this year is going to fly by, and I want to capture it as much as possible.

I have no doubt in my mind that this year in STAC will be just as educational as the past. Yes STACies, we learn! Obviously, though, but it's not like learning how to prove a circle is a circle with a proof. By learning, I mean skills that will be used everyday for the rest of my life and enhancing out talent, a.k.a. luck, for 100% success in our future.

Enough chatting about what we already know, see you all tomorrow.

-ashleycoppolino