My Brother In A Hospital Bed Made Me Think About Life.

It's Friday March 26, 2010.

School was let out at the regular 2:40, and like usual, home around 3:15.

It's the day that I planned going to Friendly's with my friend for his birthday before he leaves to celebrate his sixteenth birthday in Aruba.

It's also the day that my brother was scheduled to have this surgery that was planned for three years.

I just got back from seeing my brother, Steven. He was in surgery at 11:00 and was out around 2:00 and was taken care of in the recovery center until 5:30.

My parents were there since Steven was taken in for surgery, but Anthony, my other brother, arrived with me when he was being moved to his own room at 5:30.

It shouldn't have been painful for me, but I was on the verge of crying. He was screaming because of the pain. He was ripping the sheet of the hospital bed and was going out of control. It was not easy to see.

My brother's a firefighter. He's used to seeing blood, limited air, rushing, etc.. But he couldn't handle the pain this time.

His surgery was set because three-four years back, he broke his knee. A little bit over a year ago, he was hit by an 18-wheeler truck. His ligaments in his knee were torn along with other problems I'm not sure about. They chose to do it now because he's nineteen and he's done growing so they're able to repair his leg.

The doctor said that his knee was worse than expected, which meant that the surgery had to be more intense than it was planned to be.

I listened to my brother cry. I watched him search around for the plug to call the nurse. I watched him struggle to contain himself the hospital bed. I couldn't watch anymore.

Even know, when I'm home, it's making me sad because it's not fair of the way I've seen him struggle.

It just hit me that I have life pretty good. A fight with a friend is nothing compared to this. Failing a class isn't as important as being close to not having a usable leg. As I listened, watched and felt my brother in pain, it hit me that I'm not appreciating what I have.

I don't go home everyday and prey for the house I have, the food I consume or the luxuries I'm able to obtain, I just don't. That doesn't mean I'm not grateful. I'm grateful for everything that is around me.

It took until now, seeing my brother on a hospital bed screaming for help, to realize that I'm fortunate for what I have and am given. I love my brother, and I don't think I've ever said it to him, but I hope he knows it. I love my whole family, I hope they all know it too.

I don't ever want to see someone in pain again. Never.

I want to stop being so negative. I should talk more about the positives in life, because I'm fortunate to even have one. I want to stop saying that I can't do things. I should be happy that I have the opportunity to do things. I want to stop having this cold shoulder and attitude to my family. Because in the end, they're the ones who are going to be by your side.

My brother will be homebound for the next ten weeks. I hope he has a good recovery and he'll never have to do this again.

Farewell for now,

ashleycopolino

solitarily & shouldn't be.

I'm alone in my house roughly from three o'clock to eight thirty.

That's five and a half hours to myself.

It probably sound amazing to an outsider, but as the one being alone, it sucks.

My parents have their real estate office in Queens and the busiest time for them is the night.

My brother stays out with his friends for as long as possible, which could be eleven o'clock on a school night.

My other brother is dedicated to the fire department. He spends his whole day there spends the night with friends. He strolls in usually in the middle of the night.

I'm very independent at home. I cook for myself, I clean around the house, I take care of my dog, I do the laundry, I complete my homework that can take hours, and the list can continue.

My mom 'trianed' me to take on the 'job of a woman' when I was about seven. It sucks. I'm responsible for most the things in my house because I basically have control. I know where things are because most likely, I put them there.

You're probabaly wondering what my mom does.. most people do wonder. Well, my mom's not in the best condition. My mom has Diabetes. She has back and knee pain. In the past ten years, she has surgery on her hip, back, neck and knee. She was recently diagnosed for Carpal Tunnel, which has to do with her nerves that are squeezed at both her wrists. There's other conditions that I don't know the name of. So I help my mom as much as possible, because I have this fear that she won't be here one day. I'm not very close with my mom, but if I ever lost her, I don't know what I'd do.

Back to solitarily... I'm home alone a lot of my days. I don't mind it because I'm used to being alone. It actually is where I'm most comfortable. But I just want someone to come home so I don't have to be alone. But when someone's hoe with me, we don't interact. I just stay in my room.

I'm pretty sure I'll be solo for a while. It doesn't bother me at all. It's not a concern of mine to be accompanied either.

I like being alone, but I don't want to like being alone. It's good to have people in your life that you want there.

-ashleycoppolino

Anyways, here's my 365 for anyone who's been keeping up.

http://heyitsashleyy.tumblr.com/

or

http://www.flickr.com/photos/heyitsashleyy/

(they're the same, just two different websites)

It's been a while, but I'm here.

I'm not sure what state of mind I've been in lately.

I've been constantly thinking about my future.

I feel like it's in full blast.

This time next year I'll be searching for colleges. This time in two years I'll be ready to head out of Herricks. This time in three years I'll be an adult.

But I also thought about my past.

This time last year I was doing the bare minimal in school. This time two years ago I was feeling all macho since I was going into high school. This time three years ago I was into cursing and rap.

I've changed over time and I most definitely will continue to change.

It might sound strange, but I've thought a lot about my ending of life. I don't want to finish my life by thinking that 'I should have done this' or 'I should not have done that', I want to be able to look back and be satisfied with the choices I have made.

But I'm not satisfied with the choices I have made in the past, and I want that to change in the next couple of years.

Maybe it's all a self-confidence thing that I'm lacking.

Maybe it's my fear of not doing it right, so I don't do it at all.

I keep saying that I'm going to do things differently and that they're going to be better, but it never happens.

I've been confused lately. I don't know where I stand, if I even stand at all.

From always,

ashleycoppolino

here's my daily practice: www.heyitsashleyy.tumblr.com