I feel that it is necessary to blog about today.
This blog post is not meant to start conflict, but it is something I must post.
This assignment is my least favorite so far. It's obvious that I don't associate with my fellow seniors that much. Really, just Jon. Otherwise, I'm surrounded by STACies that are younger. I feel like I'm constantly put down and judged when I'm around the seniors, and that's not a feeling I need or want in my life. So I decided to exclude myself from it.
I have learned my limits, which I believe is something that STAC has taught me. I learned when I can't handle certain situations any longer, which is why I left the class today. I don't need to involve people in my personal drama, so I took it upon myself to quietly leave the class.
As some of you may know, I have major anxiety problems, which has worked against me in many ways. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking while listening to what people were saying, and I couldn't handle it. I know, you're not supposed to walk away when things get tough, but I know my limits, and if I stayed there, it would have gotten bad.
In my groups defense (Jon, Mile, Mairead), we had our plan for our presentation. This is longer-term assignment so we decided to take it further than improv, which seemed puzzling to the two other groups. We couldn't exactly explain our piece since we are incorporating music and film. We haven't written the script or chose the songs, so I can see how the other groups are confused by us. But don't shoot down our ideas and tell us that we wasted our time and that you realized things faster ergo we were falling behind. And as we were discussing today, somebody said, "I don't mean to offend you", which seemed like a fake act for the rest of STAC to me, because you knew I was offended already.
I am sincerely sorry to Jon, Mairead, & Mike because my reactions have negatively affected my group. I think what we did is brilliant and our ideas will turn put amazing. I will never put you down- it's very wrong. And I don't want to be put down. I don't want to be mocked in class. The senior girls sat on the computer looking at prom dresses as a serious problem was being addressed. So if you don't care, why should I. I am truly sorry to my group. But I don't think that I can handle this stress at this stage in my life.
And I don't want to get comments like, "this is life.", "this will happen in the future.", & "you have to get over it.". Because, truth is, I know what life is like. I'm living it. I've been in worse situations and experienced major conflicts in my life. My future will be stressful, as all of ours will be, but it will not be tolerated to be treated like this, I guarantee it. And I will get over it. Not today, not tomorrow, maybe not Monday either, but I will eventually.
When I came back into the room all red-faced and obvious that I shed some tears, it meant a lot to me that Danny, Scott, Mairead, Grace, Michelle, Caitlin, and others came right to me to hug me & tell me that they're there for me. That's the type of people I need in my life. They're the reason that I come to class everyday, aside from doing art. But they influence my art. They help shape me into the type of person I am and the abilities I have in STAC.
-ashleycoppolino
